What´s up?
This will only be a short update, since I need to get a move on. We´re leaving for the jungle again in about an hour & I have some small shopping to do. We went to the jungle last week and were there for 7 days, with a healer by the name of Doña Othelia. Check out Justin´s blog for pictures: dharmafarmer.blogspot.com. Yesterday he posted pictures from the jungle, and also pictures from a celebration we attended this weekend in the jungle, with a group of people called the Bora tribe. They were loud, fun, warm, caring, loving people, full of joy for life and each other. It was an awesome experience to be with them, sharing in their celebration with drink and food and dance. I came to the conclusion that no one needs to join a gym...simply come out here and dance in the jungle with the Boras a few times a year and you´ll stay in shape.
Back to my original point...we left Don Juan´s after about 3 weeks there, for many reasons. One being that we both felt like it wasn´t the place where we were supposed to do our deep healing, and there was also some separation occurring between him and his former apprentice, our dear friend, Carlos. We sensed that there was a lot of change occurring, and we felt like we were part of that. Synchronistically, at the time Carlos had been out to see Othelia for a week prior, and told us about how she works with all different kinds of plant medicines, not just ayahuasca, which sounded great to me. It´s nice to still have the option to drink ayahuasca, but I felt like being on a daily regimen of things that we´re aiming to detoxify & clean my body, not to mention help heal my physical ailments, was a better way to go.
So we came to town for a few days, resting and regrouping, and then headed to the jungle. After being there a week we both felt like it was the place to be, so we´re going back in today for another 16 days, and then we´ll be back in town, regrouping once again for the last leg of our trip here in Iquitos & traveling near Lima.
I´ve met incredible people, and feel very lucky to be here. It´s super challenging, asking a lot of me and requiring me to grow exponentially at all times, but I really wouldn´t want it any other way. Life is so sweet when the challenge is bigger. And I also want to mention that Justin has been incredible, dealing with me when I´m consumed by ego & fear and lash out at him, acting as the voice of reason and experience, serving to ground me once again. I couldn´t ask for a sweeter sibling, someone to be with me in my time of deep healing, all the while emanating love and compassion for me.
So I´ll be back in 16 days, probably with another post about my final time in the jungle. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers and I will do the same for you.
Abrazos y besos mis amigos!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
A man walks down the street, it´s a street in a strange world, maybe it´s the third world, maybe it´s his first time around...
I´ve been in Peru for about 2 weeks now, and right now it´s hard to articulate what´s been happening. I´m still processing so much of it. I´ve had 3 ayahuasca ceremonies so far, and each one has been quite different. I´ve also been meeting lots of people, people who have come to seek similar things. Everyone has been really wonderful.
The first week was really hard, I was racked with doubt about being here, and was experiencing a lot of fear surrounding ayahuasca and other uncomfortable things about my new living situation. But I persisted, and now it´s been about 2 weeks and I am feeling much more comfortable and peaceful regarding my experience here.
The group from Juan´s house went into the jungle today, and Justin and I decided to stay here. We´re going to do other plant medicine remedies & most likely go into the jungle next week. Even though I know it´ll be a hard trip, I am really looking forward to experiencing the jungle and the peace that it has to offer.
Everything is so new, but I am getting more used to the culture & the way things are done here. It feels much more familiar and for that I am glad. America seems like a dream. Similarly, my past seems like something that never happened. I have always been in Peru. I think that is a product of living in the present moment.
Like I said, things are still being processed...I have seen & done so much. But know that I am glad to be here, to be alive, and to be experiencing such joyous and difficult things, even if I may not feel that way in the moment. I feel like day by day I am peeling off layers of myself, like an onion, and seeing the beauty that´s inside. Of course, it is difficult to peel off these layers, and incredibly painful at times, but afterward I always feel stronger & more purposeful.
I hope everyone is well & happy.
The first week was really hard, I was racked with doubt about being here, and was experiencing a lot of fear surrounding ayahuasca and other uncomfortable things about my new living situation. But I persisted, and now it´s been about 2 weeks and I am feeling much more comfortable and peaceful regarding my experience here.
The group from Juan´s house went into the jungle today, and Justin and I decided to stay here. We´re going to do other plant medicine remedies & most likely go into the jungle next week. Even though I know it´ll be a hard trip, I am really looking forward to experiencing the jungle and the peace that it has to offer.
Everything is so new, but I am getting more used to the culture & the way things are done here. It feels much more familiar and for that I am glad. America seems like a dream. Similarly, my past seems like something that never happened. I have always been in Peru. I think that is a product of living in the present moment.
Like I said, things are still being processed...I have seen & done so much. But know that I am glad to be here, to be alive, and to be experiencing such joyous and difficult things, even if I may not feel that way in the moment. I feel like day by day I am peeling off layers of myself, like an onion, and seeing the beauty that´s inside. Of course, it is difficult to peel off these layers, and incredibly painful at times, but afterward I always feel stronger & more purposeful.
I hope everyone is well & happy.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Send me on my way...
So I'm off to Peru tomorrow morning...
There are definitely mixed emotions present right now: joy, sorrow, excitement, gratitude, and so on and so forth. I'm so excited for the adventure that lies ahead of me, so gracious for the experiences that have led me to this point, a bit sad about what I'm leaving, and joyful for it all. It's all part of the flowing stream that we all drink from. And, as I'm re-discovering, it's all so beautiful. Even the mundane, "boring," practical stuff.
So here I go. I take with me few possessions, a mind full of memories & knowledge, joy in my heart, and hope for the best. I'll be blogging from down there whenever I get a chance, and I'll also do as much journaling as possible. My brother's blog (dharmafarmer.blogspot.com) will have a lot of pictures, and I'll also try to post some on here too. I hope you all have a wonderful 2 months, and feel free to e-mail me (nikki.sarno@gmail.com), as e-mail will be my primary form of communication.
Take care, be well, and stay strong.
With Love,
Nikki
There are definitely mixed emotions present right now: joy, sorrow, excitement, gratitude, and so on and so forth. I'm so excited for the adventure that lies ahead of me, so gracious for the experiences that have led me to this point, a bit sad about what I'm leaving, and joyful for it all. It's all part of the flowing stream that we all drink from. And, as I'm re-discovering, it's all so beautiful. Even the mundane, "boring," practical stuff.
So here I go. I take with me few possessions, a mind full of memories & knowledge, joy in my heart, and hope for the best. I'll be blogging from down there whenever I get a chance, and I'll also do as much journaling as possible. My brother's blog (dharmafarmer.blogspot.com) will have a lot of pictures, and I'll also try to post some on here too. I hope you all have a wonderful 2 months, and feel free to e-mail me (nikki.sarno@gmail.com), as e-mail will be my primary form of communication.
Take care, be well, and stay strong.
With Love,
Nikki
Monday, February 4, 2008
Where will I find you?
I just wrote this poem...titled "Where Will I Find You?"
I've been feeling...well, emotional, and then I started listening to some of my friend Tony's music & I became inspired to create art out of my pain. So here it is, I hope you like it.
It’s true
A part of me fell in love
I can’t deny it
Touching your face
Dark, rough, beautiful
The memory plays in my head
Like a bittersweet movie
The ending comes too soon
Not enough time
Where will I find you?
In the dark, across the world?
In my mind, for now.
I yearn to reach out & touch you
Like I did that night
Through the dark, through my fear
Through the resistance
To feel your soft skin with my trembling arm
You make me tremble
Where will I find you?
In the dark, across the world….
In my mind, for now.
I will come back to you
Your soft skin, rough face
To once again reach out in the dark
And find you.
Until then…
You’re in my mind & across the world.
--------------------
I'm not sure if the person who inspired it will ever read this, but if he does...well. I hope he likes it, too.
with love,
nikki
I've been feeling...well, emotional, and then I started listening to some of my friend Tony's music & I became inspired to create art out of my pain. So here it is, I hope you like it.
It’s true
A part of me fell in love
I can’t deny it
Touching your face
Dark, rough, beautiful
The memory plays in my head
Like a bittersweet movie
The ending comes too soon
Not enough time
Where will I find you?
In the dark, across the world?
In my mind, for now.
I yearn to reach out & touch you
Like I did that night
Through the dark, through my fear
Through the resistance
To feel your soft skin with my trembling arm
You make me tremble
Where will I find you?
In the dark, across the world….
In my mind, for now.
I will come back to you
Your soft skin, rough face
To once again reach out in the dark
And find you.
Until then…
You’re in my mind & across the world.
--------------------
I'm not sure if the person who inspired it will ever read this, but if he does...well. I hope he likes it, too.
with love,
nikki
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
See-you-soons, transitions, and all that good stuff...
On a cloudy, grey, Pennsylvania day, I sit here thinking about the last 3 months of my life. I returned "home" yesterday, to Bethlehem, to prepare for my upcoming trip to Peru with Justin.
I didn't want to leave Western Mass., I didn't want to leave the community I lived in for 3 months. I felt like I was finally "fitting in" and making good friends at and around Sirius. And a last-minute amazing encounter with a person I have grown to adore made it that much harder to leave. But, I left. And I'm still coming down from the fun I've had, coming down from the ideas and conversation that filled so many late nights inside our apartment, amidst a burning fire. Life is so much more tangible, so much more organic when one is living that way, in my opinion. The whole process of gathering the wood, chopping, and starting fires grew on me over the months, and there's just something to be said about providing one's own heat. I don't know, it's a hard experience to put into words. It needs to be lived.
But I digress.
As I've been writing to different friends in e-mails, I feel like I am trying to stay grounded, to try and stay with all the pain, joy, excitement, sadness, relief, and other such emotions that come with re-discovering myself, leaving a place that I have grown to love, and leaving people that I have come to cherish. My dearest hope is that the connections I've formed continue to stay strong while I'm gone, so that when I return they are still there. I also hope that I can return to the area to live, and continue to meet more incredible people & build more genuine, honest, trusting, amazing relationships with people.
I have been realizing that my whole life I have craved relationships (both with men & women) such as the ones I made at Sirius. And it's so refreshing to know that people like this exist, and relationships like this really do happen all the time. Compared with PA, I feel like people in Western Mass. (and I'm sure a plethora of other places as well) look deeper into your soul & acknowledge your being & have a wish to connect in a much more substantial way. Again, it's a hard experience to put into words.
It's also an interesting feeling to realize I can never go back, in a lot of ways. I can never go back to the unhealthy, ignorant life I was living before Sirius. I can never unsee, or unlearn anything. In the same way, I've come to the realization that, although I know I could, I can never live in the Lehigh Valley again. It just doesn't feel right to me. My wish is to be among nature, living as close to the source of things as possible. And if not nature, then another place where I feel at home and can be happy with. I've realized that I need to be among people who are the same level, who I can connect with about life, love, and everything else that the universe throws at us.
This is not to say that I'm not glad for the experiences I've had leading up to Sirius, but it feels good to finally know what I want in my life & understand the direction I want to go in, however vague and undefined. There is so much ahead of me, and I feel like I can finally say that with conviction, instead of lamenting over what I've just left for days. I am still sad, but I think I'm more joyfully sad than I've ever been after leaving an experience.
But these are just words. The feeling of it all is so much more potent.
I need to go get some needles stuck in my arm (shots for Peru).
xoxo
I didn't want to leave Western Mass., I didn't want to leave the community I lived in for 3 months. I felt like I was finally "fitting in" and making good friends at and around Sirius. And a last-minute amazing encounter with a person I have grown to adore made it that much harder to leave. But, I left. And I'm still coming down from the fun I've had, coming down from the ideas and conversation that filled so many late nights inside our apartment, amidst a burning fire. Life is so much more tangible, so much more organic when one is living that way, in my opinion. The whole process of gathering the wood, chopping, and starting fires grew on me over the months, and there's just something to be said about providing one's own heat. I don't know, it's a hard experience to put into words. It needs to be lived.
But I digress.
As I've been writing to different friends in e-mails, I feel like I am trying to stay grounded, to try and stay with all the pain, joy, excitement, sadness, relief, and other such emotions that come with re-discovering myself, leaving a place that I have grown to love, and leaving people that I have come to cherish. My dearest hope is that the connections I've formed continue to stay strong while I'm gone, so that when I return they are still there. I also hope that I can return to the area to live, and continue to meet more incredible people & build more genuine, honest, trusting, amazing relationships with people.
I have been realizing that my whole life I have craved relationships (both with men & women) such as the ones I made at Sirius. And it's so refreshing to know that people like this exist, and relationships like this really do happen all the time. Compared with PA, I feel like people in Western Mass. (and I'm sure a plethora of other places as well) look deeper into your soul & acknowledge your being & have a wish to connect in a much more substantial way. Again, it's a hard experience to put into words.
It's also an interesting feeling to realize I can never go back, in a lot of ways. I can never go back to the unhealthy, ignorant life I was living before Sirius. I can never unsee, or unlearn anything. In the same way, I've come to the realization that, although I know I could, I can never live in the Lehigh Valley again. It just doesn't feel right to me. My wish is to be among nature, living as close to the source of things as possible. And if not nature, then another place where I feel at home and can be happy with. I've realized that I need to be among people who are the same level, who I can connect with about life, love, and everything else that the universe throws at us.
This is not to say that I'm not glad for the experiences I've had leading up to Sirius, but it feels good to finally know what I want in my life & understand the direction I want to go in, however vague and undefined. There is so much ahead of me, and I feel like I can finally say that with conviction, instead of lamenting over what I've just left for days. I am still sad, but I think I'm more joyfully sad than I've ever been after leaving an experience.
But these are just words. The feeling of it all is so much more potent.
I need to go get some needles stuck in my arm (shots for Peru).
xoxo
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Reflecting
As my brother was sleeping this morning, I had the thought to reflect on a few things about my life. He & I came to the Sirius Community (www.siriuscommunity.org) at the beginning of November for a plethora of reasons--the main one being to save my life. I wasn't healthy, I was emotionally and mentally depressed, and I wasn't living well. He had been an apprentice here a couple summers ago, and had also lived here after college/before graduation. So he thought that moving here, amongst nature and in the Valley we both love so much, would help my spiritual practice and help me to realign my life.
And it has. Very much so. But there are still some things about this process that I'm so scared of. One of them being facing the fact that most of my life people have done the hard stuff for me. Sure, I got through college and stood up to a lot, but there are a lot of times in which people have supported me through so much that was difficult. And yes, we all need support. But it's more than that. I guess you really have to know me & my life, but I am shy in the face of great difficulty.
I have never really made a meal by myself, because I am afraid of trying and failing. I want the food and process to be perfect, and to eat a deliciously-tasting meal at the end, yet one masters cooking by failing. I haven't chopped wood by myself, because I'm afraid of the same thing--trying & failing. I've attempted to make fires by myself, but I only do it with half the effort because I believe it's hard & that I can't do it.
See a pattern?
The same goes for meditation--Justin & I have been meditating together (especially at Sirius) for the past 2 months, and now he is not telling me what to do for this last phase, and that includes sitting. So my mind freaks out--"When am I supposed to sit? For how long? What if we don't sit together? What if I don't attain similar levels of concentration as opposed to when we do sit together? ;df;dlkf;lkd;fkf;lkd;lkfl;dkf"
It's less structured, no one is telling me what to do, and so I'm angry, resentful, confused, etc. Well, at least my mind is.
This is a big one, folks. Bigger than eating habits, sleeping habits, addiction to the thing I'm currently typing on, so on and so forth. This is changing deeply ingrained psychic patterns and beliefs that have governed my life for a long time. This is actually rising up & taking hold of my life, without someone behind me saying "Go on, it's ok. I'm still here."
And with that, I'm off to meditate. I think I'm gonna go for a walk today too, it's beautiful out.
xoxo
And it has. Very much so. But there are still some things about this process that I'm so scared of. One of them being facing the fact that most of my life people have done the hard stuff for me. Sure, I got through college and stood up to a lot, but there are a lot of times in which people have supported me through so much that was difficult. And yes, we all need support. But it's more than that. I guess you really have to know me & my life, but I am shy in the face of great difficulty.
I have never really made a meal by myself, because I am afraid of trying and failing. I want the food and process to be perfect, and to eat a deliciously-tasting meal at the end, yet one masters cooking by failing. I haven't chopped wood by myself, because I'm afraid of the same thing--trying & failing. I've attempted to make fires by myself, but I only do it with half the effort because I believe it's hard & that I can't do it.
See a pattern?
The same goes for meditation--Justin & I have been meditating together (especially at Sirius) for the past 2 months, and now he is not telling me what to do for this last phase, and that includes sitting. So my mind freaks out--"When am I supposed to sit? For how long? What if we don't sit together? What if I don't attain similar levels of concentration as opposed to when we do sit together? ;df;dlkf;lkd;fkf;lkd;lkfl;dkf"
It's less structured, no one is telling me what to do, and so I'm angry, resentful, confused, etc. Well, at least my mind is.
This is a big one, folks. Bigger than eating habits, sleeping habits, addiction to the thing I'm currently typing on, so on and so forth. This is changing deeply ingrained psychic patterns and beliefs that have governed my life for a long time. This is actually rising up & taking hold of my life, without someone behind me saying "Go on, it's ok. I'm still here."
And with that, I'm off to meditate. I think I'm gonna go for a walk today too, it's beautiful out.
xoxo
Friday, January 11, 2008
A poem I love.
I figured this would be a good way to start my new blog, with a poem that I love:
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
It reminds me that I don't have to be perfect, and that I don't need to berate myself when things don't go as planned, etc. etc. You know, typical human being stuff. I can just exist and be and trust that my experience is the only one, and that it's ok. I hope this poem provides the same for you.
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
It reminds me that I don't have to be perfect, and that I don't need to berate myself when things don't go as planned, etc. etc. You know, typical human being stuff. I can just exist and be and trust that my experience is the only one, and that it's ok. I hope this poem provides the same for you.
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