See-you-soons, transitions, and all that good stuff...

On a cloudy, grey, Pennsylvania day, I sit here thinking about the last 3 months of my life. I returned "home" yesterday, to Bethlehem, to prepare for my upcoming trip to Peru with Justin.

I didn't want to leave Western Mass., I didn't want to leave the community I lived in for 3 months. I felt like I was finally "fitting in" and making good friends at and around Sirius. And a last-minute amazing encounter with a person I have grown to adore made it that much harder to leave. But, I left. And I'm still coming down from the fun I've had, coming down from the ideas and conversation that filled so many late nights inside our apartment, amidst a burning fire. Life is so much more tangible, so much more organic when one is living that way, in my opinion. The whole process of gathering the wood, chopping, and starting fires grew on me over the months, and there's just something to be said about providing one's own heat. I don't know, it's a hard experience to put into words. It needs to be lived.
But I digress.

As I've been writing to different friends in e-mails, I feel like I am trying to stay grounded, to try and stay with all the pain, joy, excitement, sadness, relief, and other such emotions that come with re-discovering myself, leaving a place that I have grown to love, and leaving people that I have come to cherish. My dearest hope is that the connections I've formed continue to stay strong while I'm gone, so that when I return they are still there. I also hope that I can return to the area to live, and continue to meet more incredible people & build more genuine, honest, trusting, amazing relationships with people.
I have been realizing that my whole life I have craved relationships (both with men & women) such as the ones I made at Sirius. And it's so refreshing to know that people like this exist, and relationships like this really do happen all the time. Compared with PA, I feel like people in Western Mass. (and I'm sure a plethora of other places as well) look deeper into your soul & acknowledge your being & have a wish to connect in a much more substantial way. Again, it's a hard experience to put into words.


It's also an interesting feeling to realize I can never go back, in a lot of ways. I can never go back to the unhealthy, ignorant life I was living before Sirius. I can never unsee, or unlearn anything. In the same way, I've come to the realization that, although I know I could, I can never live in the Lehigh Valley again. It just doesn't feel right to me. My wish is to be among nature, living as close to the source of things as possible. And if not nature, then another place where I feel at home and can be happy with. I've realized that I need to be among people who are the same level, who I can connect with about life, love, and everything else that the universe throws at us.

This is not to say that I'm not glad for the experiences I've had leading up to Sirius, but it feels good to finally know what I want in my life & understand the direction I want to go in, however vague and undefined. There is so much ahead of me, and I feel like I can finally say that with conviction, instead of lamenting over what I've just left for days. I am still sad, but I think I'm more joyfully sad than I've ever been after leaving an experience.
But these are just words. The feeling of it all is so much more potent.
I need to go get some needles stuck in my arm (shots for Peru).

xoxo

Reflecting

As my brother was sleeping this morning, I had the thought to reflect on a few things about my life. He & I came to the Sirius Community (www.siriuscommunity.org) at the beginning of November for a plethora of reasons--the main one being to save my life. I wasn't healthy, I was emotionally and mentally depressed, and I wasn't living well. He had been an apprentice here a couple summers ago, and had also lived here after college/before graduation. So he thought that moving here, amongst nature and in the Valley we both love so much, would help my spiritual practice and help me to realign my life.

And it has. Very much so. But there are still some things about this process that I'm so scared of. One of them being facing the fact that most of my life people have done the hard stuff for me. Sure, I got through college and stood up to a lot, but there are a lot of times in which people have supported me through so much that was difficult. And yes, we all need support. But it's more than that. I guess you really have to know me & my life, but I am shy in the face of great difficulty.

I have never really made a meal by myself, because I am afraid of trying and failing. I want the food and process to be perfect, and to eat a deliciously-tasting meal at the end, yet one masters cooking by failing. I haven't chopped wood by myself, because I'm afraid of the same thing--trying & failing. I've attempted to make fires by myself, but I only do it with half the effort because I believe it's hard & that I can't do it.
See a pattern?
The same goes for meditation--Justin & I have been meditating together (especially at Sirius) for the past 2 months, and now he is not telling me what to do for this last phase, and that includes sitting. So my mind freaks out--"When am I supposed to sit? For how long? What if we don't sit together? What if I don't attain similar levels of concentration as opposed to when we do sit together? ;df;dlkf;lkd;fkf;lkd;lkfl;dkf"
It's less structured, no one is telling me what to do, and so I'm angry, resentful, confused, etc. Well, at least my mind is.

This is a big one, folks. Bigger than eating habits, sleeping habits, addiction to the thing I'm currently typing on, so on and so forth. This is changing deeply ingrained psychic patterns and beliefs that have governed my life for a long time. This is actually rising up & taking hold of my life, without someone behind me saying "Go on, it's ok. I'm still here."
And with that, I'm off to meditate. I think I'm gonna go for a walk today too, it's beautiful out.

xoxo

A poem I love.

I figured this would be a good way to start my new blog, with a poem that I love:

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

It reminds me that I don't have to be perfect, and that I don't need to berate myself when things don't go as planned, etc. etc. You know, typical human being stuff. I can just exist and be and trust that my experience is the only one, and that it's ok. I hope this poem provides the same for you.