Reflecting

As my brother was sleeping this morning, I had the thought to reflect on a few things about my life. He & I came to the Sirius Community (www.siriuscommunity.org) at the beginning of November for a plethora of reasons--the main one being to save my life. I wasn't healthy, I was emotionally and mentally depressed, and I wasn't living well. He had been an apprentice here a couple summers ago, and had also lived here after college/before graduation. So he thought that moving here, amongst nature and in the Valley we both love so much, would help my spiritual practice and help me to realign my life.

And it has. Very much so. But there are still some things about this process that I'm so scared of. One of them being facing the fact that most of my life people have done the hard stuff for me. Sure, I got through college and stood up to a lot, but there are a lot of times in which people have supported me through so much that was difficult. And yes, we all need support. But it's more than that. I guess you really have to know me & my life, but I am shy in the face of great difficulty.

I have never really made a meal by myself, because I am afraid of trying and failing. I want the food and process to be perfect, and to eat a deliciously-tasting meal at the end, yet one masters cooking by failing. I haven't chopped wood by myself, because I'm afraid of the same thing--trying & failing. I've attempted to make fires by myself, but I only do it with half the effort because I believe it's hard & that I can't do it.
See a pattern?
The same goes for meditation--Justin & I have been meditating together (especially at Sirius) for the past 2 months, and now he is not telling me what to do for this last phase, and that includes sitting. So my mind freaks out--"When am I supposed to sit? For how long? What if we don't sit together? What if I don't attain similar levels of concentration as opposed to when we do sit together? ;df;dlkf;lkd;fkf;lkd;lkfl;dkf"
It's less structured, no one is telling me what to do, and so I'm angry, resentful, confused, etc. Well, at least my mind is.

This is a big one, folks. Bigger than eating habits, sleeping habits, addiction to the thing I'm currently typing on, so on and so forth. This is changing deeply ingrained psychic patterns and beliefs that have governed my life for a long time. This is actually rising up & taking hold of my life, without someone behind me saying "Go on, it's ok. I'm still here."
And with that, I'm off to meditate. I think I'm gonna go for a walk today too, it's beautiful out.

xoxo