As those who are close to me already know, it is my nature to begin things slowly and subsequently end them slowly...this situation is not unique.
I sit here, crying, thinking back on the last 2 months and how I don´t feel ready to leave. I know that it is what´s needed, and where my destiny lies, but I feel such sadness right now. Sad to leave the jungle, my friends whom I met in Iquitos, Peru in general, and most of all sad to leave the special person I met while down here. I am happy in Peru, and so scared that when I return to the land of old habits and stories, that I won´t be. I was able to be somebody completely new, to re-invent myself & feel freedom that I have never felt before in my life. Because I was in a completely new country, full of people and experiencies and opportunities that I had yet to tap. And I love that feeling.
I start slow, and then when it´s time to end and start something new, I hold on for dear life. Like I said, now is no different.
I feel such gratitude and appreciation for the huge amount of grace and luck we have had. Things happened exactly as they needed to, and I was able to find my healer and do a lot of deep healing. I was able to see what happens in my body when I say no to life; how it stops working properly and how the life force begins to shut down. I came face to face with this, and now I have a new appreciation for my life and a new set of tools to take care of my body with.
But still, there is so much fear. Iquitos was hard, one of the most challenging experiences in my life, but I also had so much fun. Met so many amazing people, people whom I hope to know for the rest of my life, and had such incredible experiences.
I don´t know what to call it...I feel odd calling it love even though we said ´I love you´(or ´te amo´), but I fell for someone. Whatever you want to call it. And I´m not ready for that to be over. It was another incredibly beautiful experience, and the thought of maybe never seeing him again makes my heart hurt a little. I have pictures of him, but pictures pale in comparison to the real thing.
His name is Manuel, and he is a Peruvian, born and raised in Iquitos. He works at the Hostal we stayed at whenever we were in town, and the first time we came back from the jungle I met him, and things just went from there. He doesn´t speak any English, so especially at first our communication was limited since I was speaking bad Spanish to him, fumbling to find words and construct sentences that made at least a little sense. But as my time in the jungle increased (speaking Spanish with Othelia and the family) as well as our frequency of communication, I began to speak better Spanish and communicate on a higher level. He´s funny, wicked cute, smart, caring, and just awesome to be with. We had to rely a lot on feeling since we couldn´t communicate on a super deep level, and it was just lovely. Not being able to make excuses for myself, or self-depricate, or speak simply to speak. We were able to sit in silence and be comfortable with one another.
I´m not happy about leaving him.
There has been a lot of crying these last few days, both about leaving him and leaving this experience. I feel like I´m losing something, and even though I know that´s not true, my feelings are super overwhelming right now and I´m struggling just to get a hold on things.
Anyway, if I decide not to stay in Peru, I´ll be home tomorrow (Saturday) morning. Pictures to come on myspace & facebook, and maybe on here if I figure out how to do it. Also, my brother just posted a bunch more on his blog, at the url listed below, so check ´em out. They´re good ones.
Till next time.
Hasta luego.
Mucho amor,
nikki
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