See-you-soons, transitions, and all that good stuff...

On a cloudy, grey, Pennsylvania day, I sit here thinking about the last 3 months of my life. I returned "home" yesterday, to Bethlehem, to prepare for my upcoming trip to Peru with Justin.

I didn't want to leave Western Mass., I didn't want to leave the community I lived in for 3 months. I felt like I was finally "fitting in" and making good friends at and around Sirius. And a last-minute amazing encounter with a person I have grown to adore made it that much harder to leave. But, I left. And I'm still coming down from the fun I've had, coming down from the ideas and conversation that filled so many late nights inside our apartment, amidst a burning fire. Life is so much more tangible, so much more organic when one is living that way, in my opinion. The whole process of gathering the wood, chopping, and starting fires grew on me over the months, and there's just something to be said about providing one's own heat. I don't know, it's a hard experience to put into words. It needs to be lived.
But I digress.

As I've been writing to different friends in e-mails, I feel like I am trying to stay grounded, to try and stay with all the pain, joy, excitement, sadness, relief, and other such emotions that come with re-discovering myself, leaving a place that I have grown to love, and leaving people that I have come to cherish. My dearest hope is that the connections I've formed continue to stay strong while I'm gone, so that when I return they are still there. I also hope that I can return to the area to live, and continue to meet more incredible people & build more genuine, honest, trusting, amazing relationships with people.
I have been realizing that my whole life I have craved relationships (both with men & women) such as the ones I made at Sirius. And it's so refreshing to know that people like this exist, and relationships like this really do happen all the time. Compared with PA, I feel like people in Western Mass. (and I'm sure a plethora of other places as well) look deeper into your soul & acknowledge your being & have a wish to connect in a much more substantial way. Again, it's a hard experience to put into words.


It's also an interesting feeling to realize I can never go back, in a lot of ways. I can never go back to the unhealthy, ignorant life I was living before Sirius. I can never unsee, or unlearn anything. In the same way, I've come to the realization that, although I know I could, I can never live in the Lehigh Valley again. It just doesn't feel right to me. My wish is to be among nature, living as close to the source of things as possible. And if not nature, then another place where I feel at home and can be happy with. I've realized that I need to be among people who are the same level, who I can connect with about life, love, and everything else that the universe throws at us.

This is not to say that I'm not glad for the experiences I've had leading up to Sirius, but it feels good to finally know what I want in my life & understand the direction I want to go in, however vague and undefined. There is so much ahead of me, and I feel like I can finally say that with conviction, instead of lamenting over what I've just left for days. I am still sad, but I think I'm more joyfully sad than I've ever been after leaving an experience.
But these are just words. The feeling of it all is so much more potent.
I need to go get some needles stuck in my arm (shots for Peru).

xoxo