Estoy aqui, en un lugar nuevo.

I arrived home, to the states, on April 12th, 2008, after an 8-hour flight in which I got little sleep. I then proceeded to have 2 days of controlled chaos in which I prepared myself to come to Omega on the 14th.

Coming back to the States, arriving in a new place, and separating from Justin (after 5 1/2 months of being together) all took place within 2 days & were met with a lot of tears, which helped me to release, but it was still a painful time. Now, after a month of being here, I can say that this is the only place (besides Peru) that I'd like to be right now, and more importantly is where I'm supposed to be.

My days are definitely filled with highs and lows, and I struggle a lot of the time, but like Justin said to me the other day, "When have I not been without struggle?" And like Peru, the more struggle I had the sweeter the experience. So I just keep telling myself that.

Within this month, I've traveled to Massachusetts once, seen Emma graduate from college (!), and had a delightful surprise from Tony (& Becca), my roommate from Sirius...a dear friend whom I've missed a lot. I've also been doing a lot at Omega, seeing and learning some beautiful things. And I have a feeling that it's only going to get better from here. I've also met a lot of really wonderful people who have amazing life stories.

Of course, I miss Peru and Manuel almost every day, and in thinking about the future I think about returning to Peru, but I want it to be organic...something I'm supposed to do. Not something I'm doing because I'm running away from something else.
So that's the update. Continually coming back to treating myself in a healthy way, thinking healthy thoughts, and being present with whatever comes.
Hasta luego, mis amigos...

~Nikki

Just to record...

...in 5 1/2 months I have lost about 30 pounds. Here today, gone tomorrow! :)

There and Back Again: A Human´s Tale by Nikki Sarno

As those who are close to me already know, it is my nature to begin things slowly and subsequently end them slowly...this situation is not unique.
I sit here, crying, thinking back on the last 2 months and how I don´t feel ready to leave. I know that it is what´s needed, and where my destiny lies, but I feel such sadness right now. Sad to leave the jungle, my friends whom I met in Iquitos, Peru in general, and most of all sad to leave the special person I met while down here. I am happy in Peru, and so scared that when I return to the land of old habits and stories, that I won´t be. I was able to be somebody completely new, to re-invent myself & feel freedom that I have never felt before in my life. Because I was in a completely new country, full of people and experiencies and opportunities that I had yet to tap. And I love that feeling.
I start slow, and then when it´s time to end and start something new, I hold on for dear life. Like I said, now is no different.
I feel such gratitude and appreciation for the huge amount of grace and luck we have had. Things happened exactly as they needed to, and I was able to find my healer and do a lot of deep healing. I was able to see what happens in my body when I say no to life; how it stops working properly and how the life force begins to shut down. I came face to face with this, and now I have a new appreciation for my life and a new set of tools to take care of my body with.
But still, there is so much fear. Iquitos was hard, one of the most challenging experiences in my life, but I also had so much fun. Met so many amazing people, people whom I hope to know for the rest of my life, and had such incredible experiences.
I don´t know what to call it...I feel odd calling it love even though we said ´I love you´(or ´te amo´), but I fell for someone. Whatever you want to call it. And I´m not ready for that to be over. It was another incredibly beautiful experience, and the thought of maybe never seeing him again makes my heart hurt a little. I have pictures of him, but pictures pale in comparison to the real thing.

His name is Manuel, and he is a Peruvian, born and raised in Iquitos. He works at the Hostal we stayed at whenever we were in town, and the first time we came back from the jungle I met him, and things just went from there. He doesn´t speak any English, so especially at first our communication was limited since I was speaking bad Spanish to him, fumbling to find words and construct sentences that made at least a little sense. But as my time in the jungle increased (speaking Spanish with Othelia and the family) as well as our frequency of communication, I began to speak better Spanish and communicate on a higher level. He´s funny, wicked cute, smart, caring, and just awesome to be with. We had to rely a lot on feeling since we couldn´t communicate on a super deep level, and it was just lovely. Not being able to make excuses for myself, or self-depricate, or speak simply to speak. We were able to sit in silence and be comfortable with one another.
I´m not happy about leaving him.
There has been a lot of crying these last few days, both about leaving him and leaving this experience. I feel like I´m losing something, and even though I know that´s not true, my feelings are super overwhelming right now and I´m struggling just to get a hold on things.
Anyway, if I decide not to stay in Peru, I´ll be home tomorrow (Saturday) morning. Pictures to come on myspace & facebook, and maybe on here if I figure out how to do it. Also, my brother just posted a bunch more on his blog, at the url listed below, so check ´em out. They´re good ones.
Till next time.
Hasta luego.

Mucho amor,
nikki

¿Que tal?

What´s up?

This will only be a short update, since I need to get a move on. We´re leaving for the jungle again in about an hour & I have some small shopping to do. We went to the jungle last week and were there for 7 days, with a healer by the name of Doña Othelia. Check out Justin´s blog for pictures: dharmafarmer.blogspot.com. Yesterday he posted pictures from the jungle, and also pictures from a celebration we attended this weekend in the jungle, with a group of people called the Bora tribe. They were loud, fun, warm, caring, loving people, full of joy for life and each other. It was an awesome experience to be with them, sharing in their celebration with drink and food and dance. I came to the conclusion that no one needs to join a gym...simply come out here and dance in the jungle with the Boras a few times a year and you´ll stay in shape.
Back to my original point...we left Don Juan´s after about 3 weeks there, for many reasons. One being that we both felt like it wasn´t the place where we were supposed to do our deep healing, and there was also some separation occurring between him and his former apprentice, our dear friend, Carlos. We sensed that there was a lot of change occurring, and we felt like we were part of that. Synchronistically, at the time Carlos had been out to see Othelia for a week prior, and told us about how she works with all different kinds of plant medicines, not just ayahuasca, which sounded great to me. It´s nice to still have the option to drink ayahuasca, but I felt like being on a daily regimen of things that we´re aiming to detoxify & clean my body, not to mention help heal my physical ailments, was a better way to go.
So we came to town for a few days, resting and regrouping, and then headed to the jungle. After being there a week we both felt like it was the place to be, so we´re going back in today for another 16 days, and then we´ll be back in town, regrouping once again for the last leg of our trip here in Iquitos & traveling near Lima.
I´ve met incredible people, and feel very lucky to be here. It´s super challenging, asking a lot of me and requiring me to grow exponentially at all times, but I really wouldn´t want it any other way. Life is so sweet when the challenge is bigger. And I also want to mention that Justin has been incredible, dealing with me when I´m consumed by ego & fear and lash out at him, acting as the voice of reason and experience, serving to ground me once again. I couldn´t ask for a sweeter sibling, someone to be with me in my time of deep healing, all the while emanating love and compassion for me.
So I´ll be back in 16 days, probably with another post about my final time in the jungle. Please keep me in your thoughts & prayers and I will do the same for you.
Abrazos y besos mis amigos!

A man walks down the street, it´s a street in a strange world, maybe it´s the third world, maybe it´s his first time around...

I´ve been in Peru for about 2 weeks now, and right now it´s hard to articulate what´s been happening. I´m still processing so much of it. I´ve had 3 ayahuasca ceremonies so far, and each one has been quite different. I´ve also been meeting lots of people, people who have come to seek similar things. Everyone has been really wonderful.

The first week was really hard, I was racked with doubt about being here, and was experiencing a lot of fear surrounding ayahuasca and other uncomfortable things about my new living situation. But I persisted, and now it´s been about 2 weeks and I am feeling much more comfortable and peaceful regarding my experience here.

The group from Juan´s house went into the jungle today, and Justin and I decided to stay here. We´re going to do other plant medicine remedies & most likely go into the jungle next week. Even though I know it´ll be a hard trip, I am really looking forward to experiencing the jungle and the peace that it has to offer.

Everything is so new, but I am getting more used to the culture & the way things are done here. It feels much more familiar and for that I am glad. America seems like a dream. Similarly, my past seems like something that never happened. I have always been in Peru. I think that is a product of living in the present moment.

Like I said, things are still being processed...I have seen & done so much. But know that I am glad to be here, to be alive, and to be experiencing such joyous and difficult things, even if I may not feel that way in the moment. I feel like day by day I am peeling off layers of myself, like an onion, and seeing the beauty that´s inside. Of course, it is difficult to peel off these layers, and incredibly painful at times, but afterward I always feel stronger & more purposeful.
I hope everyone is well & happy.

Send me on my way...

So I'm off to Peru tomorrow morning...

There are definitely mixed emotions present right now: joy, sorrow, excitement, gratitude, and so on and so forth. I'm so excited for the adventure that lies ahead of me, so gracious for the experiences that have led me to this point, a bit sad about what I'm leaving, and joyful for it all. It's all part of the flowing stream that we all drink from. And, as I'm re-discovering, it's all so beautiful. Even the mundane, "boring," practical stuff.

So here I go. I take with me few possessions, a mind full of memories & knowledge, joy in my heart, and hope for the best. I'll be blogging from down there whenever I get a chance, and I'll also do as much journaling as possible. My brother's blog (dharmafarmer.blogspot.com) will have a lot of pictures, and I'll also try to post some on here too. I hope you all have a wonderful 2 months, and feel free to e-mail me (nikki.sarno@gmail.com), as e-mail will be my primary form of communication.
Take care, be well, and stay strong.

With Love,
Nikki

Where will I find you?

I just wrote this poem...titled "Where Will I Find You?"

I've been feeling...well, emotional, and then I started listening to some of my friend Tony's music & I became inspired to create art out of my pain. So here it is, I hope you like it.

It’s true
A part of me fell in love
I can’t deny it
Touching your face
Dark, rough, beautiful
The memory plays in my head
Like a bittersweet movie
The ending comes too soon
Not enough time
Where will I find you?
In the dark, across the world?
In my mind, for now.
I yearn to reach out & touch you
Like I did that night
Through the dark, through my fear
Through the resistance
To feel your soft skin with my trembling arm
You make me tremble
Where will I find you?
In the dark, across the world….
In my mind, for now.
I will come back to you
Your soft skin, rough face
To once again reach out in the dark
And find you.
Until then…
You’re in my mind & across the world.
--------------------

I'm not sure if the person who inspired it will ever read this, but if he does...well. I hope he likes it, too.

with love,
nikki

See-you-soons, transitions, and all that good stuff...

On a cloudy, grey, Pennsylvania day, I sit here thinking about the last 3 months of my life. I returned "home" yesterday, to Bethlehem, to prepare for my upcoming trip to Peru with Justin.

I didn't want to leave Western Mass., I didn't want to leave the community I lived in for 3 months. I felt like I was finally "fitting in" and making good friends at and around Sirius. And a last-minute amazing encounter with a person I have grown to adore made it that much harder to leave. But, I left. And I'm still coming down from the fun I've had, coming down from the ideas and conversation that filled so many late nights inside our apartment, amidst a burning fire. Life is so much more tangible, so much more organic when one is living that way, in my opinion. The whole process of gathering the wood, chopping, and starting fires grew on me over the months, and there's just something to be said about providing one's own heat. I don't know, it's a hard experience to put into words. It needs to be lived.
But I digress.

As I've been writing to different friends in e-mails, I feel like I am trying to stay grounded, to try and stay with all the pain, joy, excitement, sadness, relief, and other such emotions that come with re-discovering myself, leaving a place that I have grown to love, and leaving people that I have come to cherish. My dearest hope is that the connections I've formed continue to stay strong while I'm gone, so that when I return they are still there. I also hope that I can return to the area to live, and continue to meet more incredible people & build more genuine, honest, trusting, amazing relationships with people.
I have been realizing that my whole life I have craved relationships (both with men & women) such as the ones I made at Sirius. And it's so refreshing to know that people like this exist, and relationships like this really do happen all the time. Compared with PA, I feel like people in Western Mass. (and I'm sure a plethora of other places as well) look deeper into your soul & acknowledge your being & have a wish to connect in a much more substantial way. Again, it's a hard experience to put into words.


It's also an interesting feeling to realize I can never go back, in a lot of ways. I can never go back to the unhealthy, ignorant life I was living before Sirius. I can never unsee, or unlearn anything. In the same way, I've come to the realization that, although I know I could, I can never live in the Lehigh Valley again. It just doesn't feel right to me. My wish is to be among nature, living as close to the source of things as possible. And if not nature, then another place where I feel at home and can be happy with. I've realized that I need to be among people who are the same level, who I can connect with about life, love, and everything else that the universe throws at us.

This is not to say that I'm not glad for the experiences I've had leading up to Sirius, but it feels good to finally know what I want in my life & understand the direction I want to go in, however vague and undefined. There is so much ahead of me, and I feel like I can finally say that with conviction, instead of lamenting over what I've just left for days. I am still sad, but I think I'm more joyfully sad than I've ever been after leaving an experience.
But these are just words. The feeling of it all is so much more potent.
I need to go get some needles stuck in my arm (shots for Peru).

xoxo

Reflecting

As my brother was sleeping this morning, I had the thought to reflect on a few things about my life. He & I came to the Sirius Community (www.siriuscommunity.org) at the beginning of November for a plethora of reasons--the main one being to save my life. I wasn't healthy, I was emotionally and mentally depressed, and I wasn't living well. He had been an apprentice here a couple summers ago, and had also lived here after college/before graduation. So he thought that moving here, amongst nature and in the Valley we both love so much, would help my spiritual practice and help me to realign my life.

And it has. Very much so. But there are still some things about this process that I'm so scared of. One of them being facing the fact that most of my life people have done the hard stuff for me. Sure, I got through college and stood up to a lot, but there are a lot of times in which people have supported me through so much that was difficult. And yes, we all need support. But it's more than that. I guess you really have to know me & my life, but I am shy in the face of great difficulty.

I have never really made a meal by myself, because I am afraid of trying and failing. I want the food and process to be perfect, and to eat a deliciously-tasting meal at the end, yet one masters cooking by failing. I haven't chopped wood by myself, because I'm afraid of the same thing--trying & failing. I've attempted to make fires by myself, but I only do it with half the effort because I believe it's hard & that I can't do it.
See a pattern?
The same goes for meditation--Justin & I have been meditating together (especially at Sirius) for the past 2 months, and now he is not telling me what to do for this last phase, and that includes sitting. So my mind freaks out--"When am I supposed to sit? For how long? What if we don't sit together? What if I don't attain similar levels of concentration as opposed to when we do sit together? ;df;dlkf;lkd;fkf;lkd;lkfl;dkf"
It's less structured, no one is telling me what to do, and so I'm angry, resentful, confused, etc. Well, at least my mind is.

This is a big one, folks. Bigger than eating habits, sleeping habits, addiction to the thing I'm currently typing on, so on and so forth. This is changing deeply ingrained psychic patterns and beliefs that have governed my life for a long time. This is actually rising up & taking hold of my life, without someone behind me saying "Go on, it's ok. I'm still here."
And with that, I'm off to meditate. I think I'm gonna go for a walk today too, it's beautiful out.

xoxo

A poem I love.

I figured this would be a good way to start my new blog, with a poem that I love:

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

It reminds me that I don't have to be perfect, and that I don't need to berate myself when things don't go as planned, etc. etc. You know, typical human being stuff. I can just exist and be and trust that my experience is the only one, and that it's ok. I hope this poem provides the same for you.